Listening: Ron and Fez replay.

I have to work soon. This is not good, because as much as I enjoy being a coffee butler, I also really, really like not being around rich assholes all night. See, I have this thing about people, especially impatient rich people. I don't like them. I don't like them at all.

Some people might say, "But Joey, you don't like ANYBODY."

Yes, I do. I have to, otherwise I'd have some very pissed off friends. Yes, I have friends. I think they only hang around me because I'm funny. They can handle the fact that I'm an ass most of the time, but it makes them laugh, so it's a win-win for me.

I picked up the new Stephen Lynch CD a couple days ago, and it's incredible. He is one very talented, very funny man.

I think it's safe to say that I really don't have a sizable update for you people, and it's slightly embarrassing now, because I have a lot of new people reading me, and I think I'm letting them down somehow. So yeah. Sorry, new people that think I have a lot of interesting things going on in my life. (I don't, which is why I post things in the news and make fun of them until I get bored or my fingers fall off.) Anyways, onward to the funny.

NEW YORK - Thousands of bees have swarmed outside a New York City game store, trapping employees inside for hours.

Worried employees looked out the window of the Manhattan store while talking on the phone as the bees clustered Saturday afternoon. A sign in the window warned: "Look! ... closed due to bee infestation."

Most passers-by avoided the GameStop store near Union Square, one of the city's busiest shopping areas. But Edward Albers tried to help. Dressed in regular clothes, he lured many bees into a box without getting stung.

Eventually, bee specialist Tony Planakis arrived in protective gear and used the scent of a queen bee to collect the rest of them.

The store reopened for business. The bees were being taken to hives upstate.

Just the thought of millions of bees flooding a Gamestop makes me laugh. I think there should be a Bee Removal Emporium. (For you new people just reading me, this is where I come up with as many jokes and punchlines as I possibly can until my brain explodes.)

Interviewer: Come to Joey's Pesky Bee Removal Emporium! Joey is a leading bee expert, and we've tracked him down to figure out just how he does it!

Interviewer: So uh, you're a bee removal expert?
Me: Why yes I am.
Interviewer: And uh, how much do you charge?
Me: I CHARGE THREE DOLLARS PER PESKY BEE!
(I think I'm going to keep doing my bits in all caps, mostly because that's how I'd do it. I'd be an obnoxious bee expert. I'd shout everything in the most obnoxious way possible. Like Gilbert Gottfried mixed with a Brooklyn Jewish accent. Iago from Aladdin as a Brooklyn Jew.)

Interviewer: That's a lot of money. Why do you charge so much?
Me: BECAUSE IT BRINGS ME RICHES!
(Riches. I couldn't come up with a better line. Sheesh.)

Interviewer: How do you lure the bees out?
Me: I STAND NEXT TO THEIR HIVE AND FLAIL MY ARMS WILDLY!
Interviewer: You must get stung a lot.
Me: YES I DO! I GOT STUNG FOUR THOUSAND TIMES ONE DAY!
Interviewer: Where do you get stung?
Me: ALL OVER MY FACE AND BODY!
Interviewer: And it doesn't bother you?
Me: I FLAIL WILDLY AND SCREAM "HELP, HELP!"!

(Okay, am I annoying you yet? Good, because I'm going to stop doing the all-caps thing in the interest of keeping my friends. Also, I don't want to break my shift key.)

Interviewer: Do you have any tools that you use to remove the bees?
Me: Yes, I have a giant foam statue of a queen bee.
Interviewer: And what does that do?
Me: It lulls them into a false sense of security. They believe their god has come!
Interviewer: Anything else?
Me: Yes, I have a stick that I use to hit the hives like a pinata. It can be yours for five hundred dollars!
Interviewer: A stick?
Me: A stick.
Interviewer: But it's just a stick.
Me: NO! It's a magical pesky bee removal stick!

Disclaimer: Joey's Pesky Bee Removal Emporium is not liable for any damages that occur while I'm flailing my arms wildly and hitting beehives like a pinata.

(And yes, this is just a placeholder until I get off work tonight and put up a good update. This is just one I thought was good enough for the people coming to me via plugs to read and get their fix.)

-Joey

A 23-year-old Auckland mother who lost 45kg in eight months by drinking nothing but energy drink Red Bull says she has ongoing health problems because of the diet.

Brooke Robertson told the Herald on Sunday she shrank from 105kg to 60kg drinking nothing but 10 to 14 cans a day, often accompanying them with nothing more than a handful of dry Honey Puffs.

Ms Robertson said she put on weight while carrying son Keir, now four, but did not make a conscious decision to go on a Red Bull diet.

"I just started drinking it. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating – I was exhausted," she said.

"I just continued to drink it because it's an appetite suppressant and I noticed I was losing weight so stuck with it."

Ms Robertson said she managed to keep her addiction secret from family and friends, and did not recover from it until after a two-week stay in hospital following a minor heart attack.

"I managed to wean myself off it by being in hospital for that long but I had severe withdrawals – sweating, nausea, shaking. It was an addiction. The doctors stated that."

Ms Robertson now maintains her figure through exercise and a Weight Watchers diet, but said she still suffers the effects of the extreme diet.

She said she has a heart murmur, gets severe pain and cramping in her stomach and bowel, and suffers anxiety attacks.

A Red Bull spokesman said there was "scientific evidence that caffeine is not addictive".

The drink was available in 148 countries "because health authorities across the world have concluded that Red Bull is safe to consume", he said.

The drink is banned in Norway, Denmark and Uruguay because of health fears.


Read that again. Read it a third, and a fourth time. Let it sink into the deepest recesses of your mind. Feel that? That's the utter hopelessness at condition of humanity rising forth from the very abyss of your soul, overwhelming and pestilent.

With that said...how the fuck did she NOT know that drinking Red Bull constantly would do that to her? Oh, and not to mention not taking in enough calories to adequately nourish herself. What the fuck, New Zealand? You guys are supposed to be innocent, pastoral sheepherders and farmers. This is the kind of shit I'd expect to see out of Florida.

Your label of island paradise is hereby revoked, New Zealand. May God have mercy on your souls.

-Joey

Reposting this, because I really think it's a good piece of writing, and I really don't have anything else to post right now. Also, it's funny! And I'm copyrighting FutureTech INC. LLC...so don't steal my ideas. I know some of you started saying sammich after reading it in one of my blogs...and it's flattering, really. But FutureTech is MINE. And it shall remain mine unless you want to pay me nine billion dollars and a lifetime supply of Starbursts and Skittles. Also, I don't really know how I came up with this. I think it was a product of being three in the morning.



In the future, we won't have to buy things such as CDs. No, with the advancement of technology, we'll be RIGHT THERE with the band while they're on stage. Ever wanted to do heroin with Steven Adler or Slash? Well, in fifty years, YOU CAN. WITHOUT LEAVING YOUR CHAIR. Wanna trash a hotel room with Alice Cooper? You can do that too.

Hell, for the enterprising customer, FutureTech INC, LLC has a great plan for you. We call it the Keith Richards special: One night with Keith Richards, in an acid-trip inspired flashback of all Keef's greatest blazed moments. From regularly doing speedballs with Mick Jagger to infamously snorting his own father's ashes, you will experience everything that makes Keith Richards so much of an anomaly. Is he human? Is he an alien? Is he merely a product of Mick Jagger's deranged imagination, brought to life through David Bowie's special effects crew?

You, the enterprising customer, can find out. And only for the low, low cost of nine thousand spacebucks, the official currency of the Holy Roman Space Church, the OFFICIAL church of Xenu devotees the universe over! (Any other churches that worship Xenu are only hearsay and rumour, and as such cannot be corroborated, even with the most advanced ChurchFinders our planet can devise. You know you're truly alone in your beliefs when the ChurchFinder Omega Nine Thousand, which can scour the darkest corners of the universe, picking up on the slightest cults-- such as the Cult of the NBA, which moved to the planet Globetrotteron 9 in the great Celtics-Lakers War of 2050, in which both Boston and Los Angeles were horribly destroyed; strangely, nobody seemed to care, and even the residents of both cities were said to be quite relieved-- cannot pick up a Cult, or Cult-Like Group.)

Note: I am in no way responsible for any deaths that occur when testing the Keith Richards program. We tried to simulate his immortality, but without his actual DNA, we cannot reproduce it accurately. We're waiting for him to return to Earth from his mandatory stay in Ultra-Rehab, on one of the smaller, darker moons of Saturn.